D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

A few days ago, I signed a document that I am not at all in agreement with, specifically the language used within the legal document. Outside of the death of my little brother, this is the most tragic loss that I have ever experienced in life. I am going to do what I do - what I feel called to do, and that is to be completely transparent about my journey through this and my part of the failure that led to this great loss. I literally dry-heave cried at one point over the last several months. I did not know that was even possible. Today, I surrender, lay it all down, and let it all go. In a recent interview with Deborah Evans Price (Billboard, Women's World), about my upcoming record, she asked if I was worried this would be viewed as my "divorce record." My answer to her will be evidenced as the songs are released. This is a "life record."

I am releasing the first song on Valentine’s Day. The story behind this song is very near the beginning of my lifelong journey and struggle with relationships. I have not yet learned to love well, and if this current experience doesn’t teach me, I do not know what ever will. That’s just raw honesty. The story of this first song happened in the summer after my first-grade year. I met a friend - a real friend for the first time in my life. She had “fiery red hair,” and her name was Désireé - which always confused me, and I never could remember how to pronounce it.

I found you in the dirt on my way to my Grandma Kelly’s house. 

You were riding your bike and I was riding mine too 

I’d never met anyone quite like you. 

YOU ARE YOUR SISTER’S KEEPER

In this blog series, on social media, and in podcasts, I’m going to talk about my journey through relationship struggles in the context of three realms: the heavenly realm, the flesh/soul realm, and the Word/Spirit realm. In the song Désireé and the story behind it, I see the first opportunity in my life to practice the compassion of Christ through friendship. This is where I began to learn that I am my sister's (or brother's) keeper. It is a song about childlike companionship in its purest form.

Looking back on it now

I think maybe that’s just it

I needed a friend like you 

and there was some kind of lifetime fit. Yeah, maybe we both just needed

someone that we could cry with...

This song begins the musical journey of weaving in and out of clouded understandings of Christ-like love, which I explore throughout the new record. Désireé means desire, and it is my great desire to learn His way of loving others. Some will text, call, or email me after reading this blog. Those who know the “full story” will say, “Jill, I don’t think you should tell this out of context like this.” or "Don't beat yourself up!" Beautiful forgiveness has unfolded and continues to unfold. So, the other half of the story does not matter to me. The thing I care about is that I learn the lessons I'm supposed to take from this, and I am doing this because I choose not to attempt to justify my failures with any surrounding context but rather compartmentalize my mistakes and fully own them. I maintain that this kind of honesty and transparency can help others avoid the same tragic loss. One thing I've come to know on deeper and deeper levels through all of this is that no matter the sins I have committed, or mistakes I've made, God's goodness is boundless and neverending. His unfailing love covers me even as it corrects me. It is a miraculous truth and such a privilege to know.

Love to all, 

Jill