In a recent interview with Deborah Evans Price (Billboard, Women’s World Magazine) Deborah asked if I was concerned that people would perceive this as my “Divorce Record.” I explained that even the first song on the record goes back to when I was about 7 years old. So, it’s not a divorce record; it’s a life record. My second single, Boomerang, coming out in March, will also reveal that this record is about the live and learn of the entire journey of life. There is a spirit realm war over friendship, and the reality is, sometimes the devil wins.
THE EXCEPTION
I’ve had to double down on my understanding of codependency in this current healing process, but understanding codependency is nothing new to me. I read the first codependency book when I was 21. This marriage was "the exception." I blatantly made a conscious choice to enter a glaringly toxic situation because it was an exception I was willing to make and a risk I was willing to take. I do not regret it at all. I was in the middle of repenting from codependency at the deepest level so far in my life when this relationship unfolded. I was determined to get it right this time, especially for this very special exception with this very special friend of mine, but eventually I wound up right back where I began, learning the lessons all over again and coming to understand it all on, once again, a whole new level.
FIRE THE FIXER
I have learned more this year about the condition of codependency than I have in 30 years combined. I had “fired the fixer” before this relationship started, and to be clear we were both in real need of healing at that time. We both agreed to give it all to Jesus and walk through healing together. At the very beginning of our relationship, I kept having a recurring vision of me sitting in a lawn chair, reading a book on the banks of a muddy river with my back turned to the river. In the river, I knew Jesus alone was dealing with and healing the toxicity in my friend. I didn’t need to get involved other than in sharing my personal testimonies of the many ways Jesus has healed and set me free. It's important to mention that sharing these things was only offered through clear invitation, permission, and agreement. As long as this was the case, the fruit was tangible and beautiful. Somewhere along the way amidst the ongoing not-quite-yet-healed toxicity and turmoil, coupled with outside luring offerings of alternative "pain killers" (so to speak,) this invitation, permission, and agreement was slowly but surely revoked. In an increasing desperation, I returned to my codependent "fixer" ways. After a year of deep diving with counselors, ministers, friends, and mostly the GodHead, I understand codependency on not so much a deeper level, but a much broader level and from a much higher perspective with my compassion still intact and grace for myself - and even grace for the sad ending of this relationship.
ACCEPTANCE IN NECESSARY ENDINGS
Tomorrow, I am releasing the first song from this record. There is a beautiful moment that was inadvertently caught in producing this song. This moment, musically speaking, prophetically conveys a powerful look at childlike acceptance and resilience. I hold on to this and am inspired by it. The song is about my first true friendship as a child. Sadly, it was short-lived because as quickly as this little friend named Desiree appeared in my life, she disappeared from my life. If you listen carefully, you’ll hear the acceptance and resilience play out musically. A child appreciates the experience, acknowledges the ending, and takes off on her bike again. It’s that simple for a child. Desiree means desire. It was my deep desire to come alongside and be a true friend to my very special husband, but I have accepted this necessary ending and have no other choice but to become childlike and take off on my little bike again.
The end.
Love to all,
Jill