Dark Circles

My former husband/childhood friend is not evil. Not even close! He is a good guy, and I mean a really good guy! So, what’s the problem here? (White Lines III) 

I’m going to quote a book called Right Relationships by Tom Marshall. 

We show honor and respect for people when we insist on treating them as responsible persons who can take charge of their lives. Therefore, we will confront them when they are performing well below their capacity or when there are things that are wrong or dangerous in their lives. In doing so, we are saying that we consider them too valuable to allow them to spoil their lives or their testimony by not dealing with the problems, and we are prepared to risk offending them by speaking out. 

Now I’m going to quote a book called Prodigals by Ruth Graham. She is quoting Augustine after his repentance and surrender to God. 

I could not distinguish between the clear shining of affection and the darkness of lust. I could not keep within the Kingdom of light where friendship binds soul to soul … and so I polluted the brook of friendship with the sewage of lust. … At this critical moment when nature claims us for her services, the consciousness of spiritual things is, in most cases, either eclipsed or totally destroyed. It is not reason which turns the man from God; it is the flesh. Skepticism but provides him with the excuses for the new life he is leading. 

Last week I talked about “honoring” the dishonorable by participating in cover-ups and facades in the name of love and grace. This week, I want to talk about true honor. My form of honor and respect for my childhood friend is clearly described in the Tom Marshall quote above. My childhood friend talked often about how I was his lifelong cheerleader because when we were young, I was a cheerleader for the football team he was on. It’s a cute parallel, but in adulthood, this has become serious business. My efforts were always rooted in honor and respect for his greatness - a greatness I believe he and the world around him continued to be robbed of due to the problem of lust. I’m not just referring to physical lust, but the lure of a lust for carnal life. When my "cheerleader" efforts to “talk him off the ledge” of that lure were successful, he would be genuinely very thankful, and with a huge exhale of relief upon seeing the truth of things, he would say, “Jill, you beat anything I’ve ever seen.” He would refer to a song with a double entendre: “You’re the only one who gets me.” My efforts were always meant to build him up, not ever to tear him down. More than once, I’ve witnessed my friend circle back into the darkness using multiple forms of “painkillers” offered by carnal life, and largely in the name of spiritual skepticism. But as someone recently pointed out, there is no “three strikes and you’re out” rule with The Father. Praise God! 

So, the question remains. What went wrong? Someone reading this blog series reached out because they have experienced this kind of “failure” in their own life and are asking the same question. In my case, I gradually became more and more impatient and harsh, and these things simply have to go from my life! Gentleness is an absolute must, and I have been in radical, bone-crushing repentance over this. Harshness would rear its ugly head in me again and again and justifying it in any way only kept me from repenting from it.

Some have continued to point out that I could have done it all perfectly, and the same result most likely would have happened. They further explain, this is because he is apparently not done looping around and around in these “dark circles.” I personally would state this differently. As I have been in radical repentance over this whole thing, I believe the Lord has made one thing perfectly clear, and that is this: Until I am truly dealing with the war against powers and principalities, I am going to see failure like this again and again in my life. This is a whole different level of repentance and understanding, and I am going to talk about this in the “Dark Circles” portion of this blog series. I want to say this right away, though. I will refrain from calling my childhood friend “a narcissist.” He is not “a narcissist.” He is suffering in a tormenting battle against “spirits of narcissism,” or spirits - powers and principalities that endlessly torment him for the sole purpose of rendering what psychologists call “narcissistic behavioral patterns.”   I’ve come to believe that all forms of the word “narcissism” are being misused and detrimentally misunderstood in our society. Just for starters, “narcissism” has very little to do with arrogance, which most people immediately associate with “narcissism.” My childhood friend is not arrogant. I know him well, and he is anything but arrogant. He is truly humble and kind. I would restate the comment “he is not done looping around and around in these dark circles” in this way: The lure of these powers and principalities has not yet loosened the grip on him. - Why is this? Now, that’s the real question, and it is the deeply loving reason and purpose for writing this blog series. I have had my eyes open to see things I never wanted to see in the last year and a half, but am so thankful for the insight. On this three-week road trip, the Lord began to gently wake me up to a whole new level of freedom in my life. The Father has become even more adamant with me recently about the need to take Ephesians 6:11 and 12 much more seriously than I ever have. 

To be continued. 

Love to all, 

Jill

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