I’m going to take off typing here this morning. I don’t have a journal and am about to go get one in a bit. I’ve felt compelled for an hour or so to grab the laptop and just start typing. I’m not sure if I’m bored or claustrophobic or have something to say. I’ve really noticed a transition in my thoughts and mindset over the last few years -- a drastic transition. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad. Maybe it’s the stuff of midlife crisis which I would think would happen nearer to fifty than sixty. I just turned 58 a couple of days ago, but again, this has been going on for a couple of years. It has to do with feelings that nothing interests me anymore. Nothing stirs passion and drive. I can get on the phone with someone who is convinced that something I’m doing, or planning to do is just spectacular, but I don’t buy it anymore. “To no avail” has been a feeling over and over and over. I do consider that these feelings are just where God has had to take me so that I will be humbled by the time we actually do anything of any importance together in my later life, but I’m not sure that’s it. I’m in Paris right now and barely interested. It sounds like depression, and I guess it could be, and I know, I know, I'm still grieving the loss of my father, but it seems to be something other than these things, and it almost feels like if I could ever discover it - exactly what it is or what’s causing it, I would finally have a real breakthrough - not just in the feelings, but in life!
Paris is perfectly peaceful and I’m convinced that it has to be due to all the hybrid and electric cars. It is one of the busiest cities I’ve ever been in yet even quieter than Franklin, Tennessee - much quieter. This has given me a whole new reason to buy the car I’m going to buy in January. Hooray for me. Forget air pollution, let’s spin it to noise pollution which is a real thing, and causes serious anxiety and a ripple effect from there.
I can’t believe I’m almost the age my dad was when I gave him that amateur little kite painting - the year he said “This is the best year of my life.” Which takes me to this. What … I mean really … What is this project about? I know I didn’t want to write these songs and “carry” this project. I couldn’t have conjured this up and put this together on my own if I tried. So, what is it about? On the surface, it seems to make sense. It seems to “sell” easily. Even when I was explaining it to a total stranger yesterday, it all made perfect sense. But on some deeper level, I’m not sure I’m really getting it, but this is the nature of a prophetic songwriter I guess. We see in part (as even the lyric says.) But it’s a little unnerving that on some level I don’t buy it at all! People are not going to “Return to Love” and even as we discussed, me and Fern, the total stranger yesterday, there are things that people are just never going to understand about each other's decision making abilities. People just do not care about other people in way too many cases for this project to ever really have any effect on anything. And there you have it - maybe that is the sole reason to carry the voice of this project - release the sound of “You are your brother's keeper!” But oh God, talk about “to no avail!” As I’ve said, if You God are the script writer, I have to play whatever part you’ve written for me to play, and so I do so. I just wonder if You’ll ever write something into the part that will trip my trigger again. That is all.
Love to all,
Jill