I’ve Never Been More Lonely

A few years ago, I went through a lethal combination of situations that literally cost me hundreds of relationships. It was mind boggling. I’ve never been more lonely. 

I disconnected from a zoom-call divorce hearing. I’d never seen anything like it in my life. As if a divorce being executed through a zoom call wasn’t cold and cruelly impersonal enough, I joined the call expecting to see a lawyer, a spouse, and a judge. Instead, there were several people inside the individual little video squares. I first wondered if this was some sort of jury trial. Then I wondered if the extras were court reporters and legal secretaries. The Judge then explained. “Well folks, we have eight divorces here today, so we’ll start with the Smith’s. How are y’all doin’ today?” I went numb. When the call ended, I sat on my couch alone in my apartment, burst into tears and said, “I now have no family.” 

That wasn’t completely true, but his family had become my family. His people were my people because we’d both grown up with them all in small town America. To make matters worse, my mother has given me the silent treatment for over a decade, and after my father’s passing two years prior to this divorce, the chasm of sibling division became near impossible to cross. Oh yeah, and there was the slandering disgruntled former employee. Social media interactions dropped to zilch—a type of personal “cancelling” — although the analytics still reveal the astonishing voyeur rate. After a public and very transparent blog series, it was clear that I was as alone as I have ever been. 

As much as I wanted to jump and run, there was nowhere to run—no one left to run to!  I was being led, almost forced by the Holy Spirit to sit still in the deep pain of loneliness. I sat on a back row church pew alone. An elder walked past me and, I kid you not, said, “Well, there she is. The lonely one.”  I watched the countenance of those within the city-wide church community who weren’t “politically safe” enough to respond one way or the other, or just didn’t know quite what to think. The Holy Spirit just kept saying, “Sit still.” and “Keep writing.” and “Keep posting.” Eventually it became crystal clear. It was now or never. God was saying, “Press through the pain of rejection and choose to become who you were called to be or quit.” No matter how “predestined” you may believe a calling is, I’ve learned that it still requires choice—and choice in the face of the deepest pain and highest stakes. “Keep writing.” That’s my calling. 

I swam alone, ate alone, stared at a fake fireplace alone, shouted Wheel of Fortune answers out alone, and don’t get me wrong, I’m an introvert. I love being alone, but being this alone and experiencing this level of loneliness was crushing. I thought I might just fall to the floor and die at times. I wanted to rebel and run into another relationship somewhere, somehow, but I was petrified of repeating the same cycles I’d been trapped in all my life. There was no question about it. This had to be done. This had to be suffered through. It seemed I had pissed the whole world off, but I could not find a conviction or regret for the writings. I kept sitting still. I kept writing. I kept posting. I told the truth. Then I came to the two year mark—a mark the Lord had been speaking to me about even though I didn’t know what was going to be waiting at that mark. I drove to the beach for the weekend to celebrate, or question God about it. I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that it felt like the end of a long hard race, hands on my knees, leaned over panting.        

You know that ache you get when you want to eat junk food so bad, but instead you just sit and endure the ache until the craving passes. Yeah, well, that’s how loneliness can work too, and before you know it,  you’ve shed 30 pounds of dysfunction from your life. I had been led to sit still in the deep ache of loneliness to face the truth. God sat right there with me, calling a spade a spade in every little detail that had to be sorted through. I had to finally see and learn to immediately recognize the red flags of my own behaviors as well as the behaviors of others that have lured me time and time again, keeping me trapped in damaging cycles my entire life. I had to learn all new responses to these red flags, and I had to see a new set of standards to seek out and live by. Eventually God led me to circle back to the few remaining safe people in my life. Am I now in a hurry to enter new relationships? No. Quite the opposite. I have acquired a deep desire to maintain the quieted, functional life I’ve gained because it brings me such stabilized joy. This is the elixir I return from the journey holding. 

This week I’ve written social posts and this blog as a part of an article in the immersive magazine called, “An Epidemic of Loneliness.” There is a dangerous downside to loneliness that, if not handled properly, can become detrimental. I do not mean to make light of it or shellac over it with Pollyanna positivity in these writings. I encourage you to read the article and become aware of the alarming statistics. I have developed the deepest level of empathy for those suffering from loneliness and I’ve made a new commitment which I share in the article. 

I’ve never been more lonely, but I’ve also never been more happy … and content, stable, quieted, rested, free, and joyful. With no exaggeration, this is a real list that came from the benefits of allowing God to “do a work in me” through loneliness.