The Return

As much as I did not want to, the Lord urged me to move out of the house. Immediately, an unveiling began to happen, which led to a radical reawakening and repentance. As sensitive as this subject is, I have felt led to speak up and share this unveiling.

I went to Northern Ireland on a mission trip shortly after I had been healed of cancer and had completely surrendered my life to the Lord. That was 25 years ago from the time of this writing. I had experienced a few undeniable demonic encounters before, but nothing like what I experienced in Northern Ireland. I have said that if there weren't others there who witnessed exactly what I witnessed, I might have checked myself into an institution when I got back to the States. I have attempted to write about it in the past, but have always backed away and abandoned the writing.

First, let me start with this: from the time I moved out of the house and began the weeping repentance, I continued saying to God, "I just want to be Grandma Kelly." She was a no-compromise, fiery evangelist. When I first surrendered to the Lord, I felt I was joyfully walking in her footsteps and influence. I was so surrendered and so free for the first time in my life! The walk came at a cost, though, as I gradually accepted and took on the stranger, less comfortable, more supernatural realities and instructions revealed in scripture, like a gift of prophecy, discerning of spirits, casting out demons, and speaking in tongues.

Even though I was relentlessly contending in prayer for the marriage to be saved, it was sadly ending. Counter to the devastation of that ending, I was experiencing an explosive new freedom. With no judgment, mockery, or rejection from anyone around me, I now had the freedom to fully return to the spiritually mature walk I had experienced in the beginning. This freedom was overwhelming. It was a freedom I didn't fully realize I was deeply longing for. I didn't grasp just how far I had strayed from the deeper things. The contentment and peace that came with this freedom to return constantly overpowered me. I became more and more full of the joy of my salvation in this return, and I still am! Praise God!

I gradually began my carnal compromise by watering down my boldness in the things I had believed in and had been boldly walking in. I did this to be accepted by those who did not fully believe and/or did not want to walk in the things I believed in, or at least not at the level I believed in them. People around me wanted a much more casual version of Christianity, and I was tired of all the shunning, rejection, and mockery. It wasn't the first time I'd done this.

I did this within my last marriage and the marriage before this one. God very clearly warned me during the first marriage not to back down, not to compromise for the sake of acceptance. It would be the worst thing I could do. I did it anyway, and if there is one thing I would pin the loss of that marriage on, it would be this carnal choice I made to water my walk down. I had to face that I had been knowingly, overtly choosing to do the same thing all over again in this marriage, trying again to avoid shunning, rejection, and mockery.

The cost was so much greater than I'd known. I've lost so much by walking in boldness, but I have lost far more by watering it down. In 1 Corinthians 3, Paul writes, "Dear brothers and sisters, when I was with you, I couldn't talk to you as I would to spiritually mature people, but only as to worldly people dominated by carnal nature, mere infants in the life in Christ! ...You are still carnal, controlled by ordinary impulses, the sinful capacity. For as long as there is jealousy and strife and discord among you, are you not unspiritual, and are you not walking like ordinary carnal men and women? We can choose to live and operate in the carnal realm, or we can choose to live and operate in the spirit realm. I've known this, but I chose to try to straddle both again. This is not an option.

My husband had been slowly making a return to a very carnal version of Christianity as well, seemingly almost walking away from the whole thing entirely. After I moved out, the Lord began to shake me! I began having demonic dreams. I began having encounters in prayer that were shaking me to the core! I thought my return was about being like Grandma Kelly again, and that thrilled me. The new freedom in having no one around me that would reject, or shun, or mock, or abandon me, or call me delusional, was a massive green light I didn't know I was so desperate for. So, I thought that was where this whole repentance thing was headed, and I was happy about it. That was only the beginning of repentance for me.

In Ireland, I was surrounded by countless demons that I could see. They were translucent yet so manifest that I could no longer see the grain in the wood of the door behind them. I still get chills thinking of it. The thing I noticed immediately was that they had matted long locks of hair that hung over their faces. We were forced to cast these demons out of this house, hundreds of them, and by God's grace, we got it done! They scattered like flocks of birds flying away! There is much more to this story, but to keep this as short as possible, I'll move on.

Soon after I returned, I met a man in my church who had a brain tumor that miraculously disappeared in front of a spirit-filled surgeon and a balcony full of interns at Vanderbilt Hospital. As he was telling me his incredible testimony, he shared that people had come to his hospital room to pray for him the night before. He told me that as they prayed, he saw demons staring at them, and these demons had long matted hair that hung over their faces! I took the instruction to cast out demons very seriously and was obedient to the Lord's leading in it for many years. I witnessed countless miracles of healing and deliverance in those days. This only further affirmed the Ireland experience.

I am currently a student at L.A. Film School, which I believe is a calling from God. In this past month, as God has been shaking me and reminding me of these experiences, we have been studying comic books (visual narratives). One of the writers of comic books was also a writer on a film released in 2005. I saw the film back then to appease a teenage relative I was trying to reach out to. This film rocked me in the spirit. The film is called "The Grudge" and features a "demon spirit" from the comic book world known as "Retaliation" (or "the spirit of Retaliation.") The character in the film is depicted by a female with matted hair covering her face. As jarring as this is, I want to share a photo of this character from the film. Right in the middle of this shaking, being reminded again through having to study this character brought on a massive downpour of revelation from God about the real spiritual war we are all in daily!

This is only one small thing that has come in this recent shaking. Through another astonishing series of events, the Lord has been opening my eyes to a spirit called Lilith from Isaiah 34:14. (Some translations refer to Lilith as "the screech owl.") While this spirit is depicted in fictional horror stories and folklore, it is believed to be referred to here in scripture. This spirit has become understood through the study of scripture as "The spirit or demon of narcissism." A mental health expert recently declared narcissism "the number one health crisis in America," while other experts nodded and agreed. If you've read through this journey, you know that the Lord made me realize that the basic pattern and pain cycle of narcissism and codependency is the same pattern that was operating in and destroying my marriage. It is the same pattern and cycle operating in family divisions, and the divisions of our society in America. Through counseling, I discovered and finally clearly saw that I have been in relationships with multiple people who suffer from narcissistic behavioral patterns throughout my life, and that I attract them and am attracted to them out of compassion and desire to ease their pain. They are in deep pain. This compassion, when turned into codependency, becomes destructive, doing further damage within the pain cycle.

There is one element of narcissistic behavioral patterns that I will carefully call bizarre. It is the matter of the person suffering from these patterns losing track of truth and reality. I've witnessed this over and over, not only in my former husband but in others who suffer from these patterns. I have suggested that narcissism, if it hasn't been, should be studied by experts as akin to dementia. Ten for ten, the reaction I've gotten has been a jerk of the head followed by "Whoa! You may be on to something." In this losing track of truth and reality, a self-protective, pain-killing narrative is formed in their mind in a split second, like a lightning strike. What makes this even more phenomenal is that within that same split-second "lightning strike," the person suffering this pattern also fully believes this new narrative. This is a true suffering that happens. It plays out in what psychologists call "DARVO" which is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender. The "lightning strike" narrative creates this DARVO response in that split second. The person suffering will vehemently stand on this pain-killing narrative as if it were the absolute truth. These narratives can even become more detailed and convoluted over time, even though they are not rooted in the reality and truth of what has happened. We called this "going red." I spent eight years in my last marriage saying, "But that's not what just happened." Often, we could talk through it, things would calm down, and he would return to reality and clearly recall the truth. Then, the suffering and misery of not understanding why and how these "lightning strike" moments kept happening would set in. Experts have, in fact, studied narcissistic traits in context and comparison to dementia, but have concluded that while symptoms are similar, the two are not connected. Many other factors within this element cause me to suspect this is demonic interference.

God is awakening my spirit once again to the harsh realities of spiritual warfare. I am aware that we need to balance the realities of the existence of demonic influence, as well as scientific, psychiatric, and neurological aspects. I believe this requires a walk of deep surrender to the constant guidance of the Holy Spirit. The demonic can be such a sensitive topic, but I have had countless friends tell me stories of demonic encounters they've personally experienced, yet it seems we don't want to contend with it in the way we are all instructed to in scripture. It's not that I didn't know or somehow forgot all of this is a reality that I must contend with; it's that I'd been choosing to wage war in the carnal realm way more than I was willing to realize, and getting destroyed! He is shaking and reawakening me, and calling me back with a great sense of urgency to return to warring in the spirit realm, but in the way the word of God instructs us to. When I think of all that is going on in the world, I become thankful for this shaking and reawakening!

The Bible says we are here to destroy the works of darkness. We have been given the power and authority to do this according to the Bible. In Luke 10:19, Jesus says, "I have given you power and authority to trample snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. In John 14:12, Jesus said, "Truly, truly I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do. 1 John 3:8 says that Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil - or darkness! In Mark 16:17, Jesus says, These signs will accompany those who have believed: in My name they will cast out demons, the will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents and if they drink anything deadly it will not hurt them' they will lay hands on the sick, and the sick will get well.

I have experienced every bit of that short of snake handling and drinking poison. I'll just be honest, I do not fully understand that part of this verse. The end of my marriage felt like hell had been unleashed on us! It seemed like it all happened in a dark flash! I couldn't wrap my mind around it! 2 Corinthians 10:4 clearly says that the weapons of our warfare ARE NOT CARNAL! I was almost exclusively battling with carnal, person-to-person "weapons" trying to figure it out, reason it out, talk it out, cry it out! The cost of this is far too great, and just so I wouldn't be shunned or rejected? I have been set free in this shaking, and I want to give what has freely been given to me by following the instruction of Jesus to preach the good news and to set the captives free! This does not mean I will come to your house and cast out demons. That's not the way it has worked for me. The Lord makes it known to me when I've needed to contend. If I am complacent about these promptings, life does not go well. It also does not mean you will start seeing demons now, which has been a fear among some that I've shared this with in the past. The Lord will guide you and give you strength and fearless power if He calls you to contend.

In John 8:31, Jesus says, "If you keep obeying what I've taught you, you are truly my disciples." This reads like a promise as well as a warning. To return to boldness in my walk, with no self-preserving compromise and back to true spiritual warfare, especially in this dark hour, and accept any suffering that comes with that, is to "lay my life down for others." The bible says there is no greater love than this. I have been convicted to return to Him in complete obedience at all costs, even in the very unpopular matter of real spiritual warfare. He is calling me to be free in returning to my bold walk in all of the things the Lord commands us to do in scripture. I believe this is my return to Love!

IMPORTANT FINAL NOTE: A life in Christ is not a life of chasing and battling demons. It is mostly a life of walking in the overwhelming joy of your salvation and leaving the battle to the Lord. ( 1 Samuel 17:47) It is about walking in His Glory! I have far more encounters rejoicing in the glorious presence of God, including wondrous encounters with angels, than I ever have had battling darkness. I also do not fully align with the concept of "naming demons" within the practice of biblically-based deliverance. In my experience, it is more about being given a discernment of manipulating spirits and their effects on human behavior. From there, it has required me to strictly follow the Holy Spirit's instructions. Only in rare cases have my spiritual eyes been "further opened" and able to see into the darkness of the spiritual realm. In these situations, I have received supernatural power and authority that eliminates all fear and brings about the bold courage of Christ in me. In all things, I commit to walking circumspectly.