Let me explain...
In the midst of carrying this message all about returning to love and reconciling relationships in divided families, my marriage blew up. In taking an honest look at it, I realized that I had assumed our marriage was immune to this kind of thing. I think lots of people assumed this. We vowed to be so proactive in making sure the devil couldn't destroy it. Weeks before it all ended, you could have heard both of us shouting, "I will not let the devil have this marriage!' It all seemed like such a huge retaliatory mockery against me and everything I'd worked for. I felt completely disqualified to carry the messages of the Common Ground project any further.
Ingredients
ingredient 1. A Rocky Beginning
ingredient 2. A Beautiful Redemption
ingredient 3. A Turbulent Middle
ingredient 4: A Tragic Ending
The Story
This is where radical repentance started. I've written a couple of in-depth blog series on what happened. I've written them as I have processed in real-time. I believe in the effectiveness of this form of real-time, raw, honest writing. I probably should have seen it coming. This project would become about my own personal return to Love. Our marriage had a rocky beginning, which we both believed we fully understood and were up for the battle. We experienced a beautiful redemption! Ongoing behavioral patterns became more and more turbulent, and suddenly it was over!
I would learn that my husband and I had been in a deadly cycle of what psychologists call "narcissism" and "codependency." These were both very familiar terms, but I would learn that this was way beyond what I thought I understood about either one of these psychological terms. I was first accused of "narcissism" by an outsider trying to understand what was going on with us. Through a long period of counseling and trauma ministry, this misunderstanding was corrected, and I was shown that he undeniably suffers from destructive narcissistic behavioral patterns while I undeniably suffer from destructive codependent behavioral patterns. As this battle continued to unfold and these things continued to be unveiled, I began seeing a clear picture. The cycle of these two main mental and emotional issues is the same basic cycle that creates family divisions. Then, I began to see and realize that this was the same basic cycle that creates divisions in America. The light finally came on. Once you see it, you can't unsee it.
This loss was a shattering like none I'd ever experienced. As I came into correction and refining fire for my part of this "pain cycle," I wept day after day after day. Some of this weeping was of Godly sorrow from the conviction I was experiencing. 2 Corinthians 10:7 says, Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but flippant, worldly sorrow brings death. I wanted mercy for my sins and I wanted salvation to come to this failing marriage. Part of this weeping was out of the deep pain over the rejection, betrayal, and disloyalty that had been going on for far too long. Part of this weeping was of travailing intercession, fighting in prayer to keep the marriage together. Part of this weeping was of what is known in the Word of God as "weeping between the porch and altar." Joel 2:17 says, Let the priests, the ministers of the Lord, weep between the porch and the altar, and let them say, 'Have compassion and spare Your people, O Lord, and do not make Your inheritance an object of ridicule, or a humiliating byword among the people. Why should they say among the people, "Where is their God?"
If you're feeling compelled to take a further look into my entire process, I would encourage you to read the two blog series. If you start reading the blog series, I would highly recommend you read to the conclusion, which I am summarizing here within these website pages.
The Road Trip (currently in progress)