My Mother Tried to Tell Me!

What is “Generational Trauma” and how do you get out of its destructive patterns - and I mean once and for all? I’ve been through 25 years of biblically based “inner healing” and committed training in it, plus several rounds of counseling by both believers and non believers. When is enough, enough? In one sense, I believe the answer to that question is: never. We go from glory to glory in the healing process - from freedom to more freedom, and we will for the rest of our time on earth. But how do you stop destructive patterns in your life? In the Common Ground project (the very project in question here) I share what I call “The Recipe of Reconciliation” which says, 

-Own your destructive behavior 

-Have a sincere apologetic spirit about your destructive behavior

-Commit to getting help in changing the destructive behavior going forward

-And make time - spend time rebuilding trust.  

You can do all of that, but is it going to come again? How do you stop the cyclical patterns of destructive behavior? How do the chains of it get broken off of you for good?

My mother has endured more trauma than almost anyone I know. At one point in working with a counselor she really loved, the counselor explained that his analysis of her life pointed to evidence that would strongly suggest her daughters were almost certainly codependent. I’ll only speak for myself. Based on that, she bought us all a powerful little book on codependency that I not only read, I actually recorded myself reading it for my mother who could no longer read after the death of my younger brother, due to her trauma. I had read every book on codependency out there and even taught on codependency, but still, until now I had not seen it for what it really is (sin). There is also the life-changing new understanding of a critical paradigm shift in psychology that I mentioned in an earlier blog. I will share this in a future blog about a second official diagnosis I’ve received. This new understanding combined with seeing codependency as a sin matter has truly changed everything this time around. Here is my new one and only answer to the life long question of how to stop the pattern: YOU SIMPLY SAY NO TO THE TAP ROOT OF CODEPENDENCY. AND THIS IS ME SAYING NO… 

“I have allowed people who have, for years even, known the truth of who I am and the truth of my heart - not that I’m perfect, but you have known the overall truth of my heart and intentions, but have chosen over and over to misrepresent, dishonor, and betray me, and what you know to be true about me, as well as those who refuse to come to know my true heart, and instead choose to passive aggressively shun most of who I am, and what I stand for - all for the purposes of self preservation and personal gain. I am through allowing this in my life.” 

When I wrote this statement down, which came with such clarity this time, the meaning of the word “through” hit me. I am through - on the other side of this lifelong pattern. My allowing this kind of thing in my life inevitably leads me, over and over and over, to becoming a person I do not want to be -  an out of capacity “destroyer” of others, which is as far from the real me as it gets. I am a builder. I need to return to (His) Love, so I can return to the real me. For anyone who has been in the wake and experienced me this way, I sincerely apologize to you. 

Over the next few months through a prewritten weekly blog series, I’m going to openly share my personal journey through this. The blog is prewritten so as not to be tempted to edit according to response. Some will scoff, some will disagree with my approach, and some will find deep healing and feel less alone. It is for the latter group that I write and share this blog series. 

Love to all, 

Jill