.png)
When you hear that you are a “mentally ill narcissist who is potentially destroying her husband,” you realize it calls for stopping in your tracks. You look up the symptoms and traits and get really honest with yourself. You get help, which I was already doing, and had been for a while. You listen to counselors. You call your closest prayer warrior friends who have known you for more than 10 years, but 30 years is better, and you ask them to study the symptoms and traits with you. Then, you say,
“I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, NEED YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME THROUGH THIS. DON’T HOLD BACK. PRAY AND ASK THE LORD WHAT I NEED TO SEE AND COME TO REALIZE IN THIS.”
Then, you wait. Everyday you wait on the Lord. Sometimes you're in a ball on the floor. Sometimes you are a completely decommissioned mush inside a cocoon. Then, sometimes you're a shouting victorious warrior over the enemy of your soul. But mostly you are a humbled, broken, and contrite clay pot. And you listen, and you listen, and you ask for wisdom, and you read the word of God, and you linger in His presence, and you listen some more. I believe you have to do all this, but you can't stay there too long. Soon you've got to get back up!
I have never felt a feeling of not knowing what to do like I have felt through this process. But what I did do was this: I stopped almost everything, and I did anything but work on the future plans I had for Common Ground. Instead, I started apologizing wherever I found the need to, and I continued searching on deeper levels for where I needed to apologize. This led me to a difficult but truly life changing discovery.
Over the next few months through a prewritten weekly blog series, I’m going to openly share my personal journey through this. The blog is prewritten and pre-scheduled so as not to be tempted to edit according to response. Some will scoff, some will disagree with my approach, and some will find deep healing and feel less alone. It is for the latter group that I write and share this blog series.
Love to all,
Jill
This is a continuation of a blog series called “In Christ, Alone”