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I’m going to do my best to summarize my conclusions in this last blog of the blog series, In Christ, Alone.
My thoughts say: “I know my heart!!! My heart is good toward this person or that person! So what is the problem here?” People even say to me, “Jill, we know your heart.” But the heart is deceptive. If “Jill is a mentally ill narcissist who is destroying her husband.” is the conclusion after 7 years of giving from my "good" heart - if this is what is perceived and experienced in and through me, then something absolutely has to change, and that is me.
So, I moved out.
You: “Now wait! I thought you were the problem, Jill.”
Me: “I am the problem, let me explain.”
I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have heard an honest friend or family member say to me, “Jill, you are having too much grace for that.” (That’s typically a sure sign of codependency.) I’m going to make a list here of what I consider to be general “relationship-breaker habits.” The simple list would be… well, lying, cheating, stealing, right? I think that sums it up well enough. I am a sucker for anyone who has any kind of “sin” they claim to desperately want to get free from, and I mean a SUCKER for this! Why? Because the Lord has set me free from so many destructive behaviors and patterns in the past, and continues to on deeper and deeper levels. So, I cheer “Let’s go for the gold friend! Let’s get free!’ And I promptly start sharing inner healing tools I’ve learned over the past 25 years. The problem happens when I have unknowingly entangled myself with those who actually don’t ultimately want to get free, and those relationships usually include those “relationship-breaker habits” listed above. The other real problem is that this can only be proven, or discerned over a long “grace-period” of time, and by then the damage has been done. And here we go again, the critical, impatient, out of capacity Pig Pen aura is hanging all over me again, and then I break out! …and then I go again!
THIS IS WHAT HAS TO CHANGE - ONCE AND FOR ALL!
You can stop this cycle by fully realizing this, and by allowing yourself to honestly see the butterfly effect of its destruction, and what all you are actually destroying with it. I have spent a lifetime participating in, and even creating facades in the name of grace. I can no longer take part in facades - covering, in the name of grace, for people who are one thing in private and another thing in public. In John 7:24 the bible talks about judging with righteous judgment. This is a difficult topic for a Christian to wrap their heart and mind around because we are also not to judge - at all. I am learning the fine line differences between being judgmental and righteously judging through discernment.
You: But wait a minute What about mental illness and narcissism? Is it true about you?
Me: I promised I would share the other diagnosis I received (again - I have been tested for this and diagnosed in the past as well). I also promised to share another major breakthrough from more recent psychological studies. So, here goes…
I sweetly “struggle” well with being a Neurodivergent Empath with an Introverted personality type. The definition of Neurodivergence cracks me up! Here it is:
A mental illness causing a differing neurological function from what is considered typical or normal. (And everyone said, "I'll say!")
In other words, I don’t think like “normal” people. Combine Neurodivergent Empath and Introversion with being a bonafide "Holy Roller" and well, you get the picture. I'm not welcome at most "parties" if you know what I mean. If you have ever seen the movie, Temple Grandin, then you know what Neurodivergence is. If not, just watching this trailer will help you understand what I’m about to say. Neurodivergence is a spectrum illness, and while I do not suffer from the outbursts, or possess the level of brilliance that Temple Grandin displays, so much of the same type of mental patterns relentlessly go on silently in my head. It has been a long haul battle to understand it, and to learn what to do about it.
Codependency, in more recent years, has been proven to be rooted in childhood trauma, and this pattern for me more than likely got set in the trauma of my biological father's tragic, fatal car accident which happened when I was still in the womb. It is explained that a trigger went off saying “I have to fix this! I can fix this! Let me fix this!” and once the motor of that pattern was cranked up, it never shut off, and I carried that into everything in my life. With this understanding, I am so much more able to get free from Codependency.
Right after I moved out, I felt led to go see a well known movie that for whatever reason, I had never seen called, Girl Interrupted. When I realized what it was about in the first few scenes, I thought this was God’s way of breaking it to me that I am crazy! But by this scene, I changed my mind. After almost a year of observing the asylum patient, Suzanna, the head nurse Valerie says to Suzanna, “Don’t camp out here. You are not crazy.” Suzanna responds, “Then what’s wrong with me?” I will rewrite Valerie's answer which was “You are a lazy, self-indulgent little girl who is driving herself crazy. You are throwing it all away.” I'll rewrite it in the way I believe she would respond to me: “You are an over-analytical, self-indulgent codependent who is driving herself crazy trying to gain understanding and avoid rejection. You keep throwing it all away!”
My (Cow)Girl Interrupted journey ends here - on my birthday week. I am moving on now, like the woman at the well. She also ran the same destructive pattern over and over. I’m doing what Jesus told her to do. He said, “Go into peace.” I am simply, unapologetically moving on to do what I believe I was born to do, and am still called to do. To reiterate a conclusion I shared in an earlier blog, “I have allowed people in who misrepresent me, and my true heart, for the purposes of self preservation and personal gain. I am through (on the other side of) allowing that in my life.”
I am very thankful for this journey. I bought a new "robot" vacuum cleaner. It asked me to name it so, I named it after the pastor’s wife - and not in a mean spirited, mocking way like you might be thinking. It will serve as a reminder that this whole situation served to do a clean up job in my life, and one that will specifically continue automatically doing a clean up job in my life from now on. Every time that little thing takes off, I am reminded and am again deeply grateful!
Love to all,
Jill