SHAME! The Ugly Truth

I've learned that when a codependent person like me operates with a lack of healthy boundaries, they continue the pattern of inviting and even attracting relationships into their life that they are not equipped to handle, but are convinced they are. The fact that I believe I am equipped to handle it is sheer arrogance and blind ignorance, both of which are sin matters that I have to finally see and deal with.   

Let me give you a perfect example of this humiliating arrogance that I’ve had to take a long, hard, humbled look at through this process. I’m just going to be very real with you here, and give you the ugly truth. I now see this arrogance in my codependent behaviors so clearly it’s a bit sickening to me. (Which helps when you’re repenting from destructive behaviors.) 

Stan came home in the first few weeks of our marriage with a set of lyrics he’d written in a Kroger parking lot after seeing, via Facebook, our hometown region basically on fire again. The lyrics reflected an analogy of frustration that pointed to a particular set of people that he felt had consistently shamed him throughout his life. The point was that if  he got away from those people he would “finally be free from shame.” I felt this was unhealthy thinking. So, I - in “all my brilliance and splendor” and codependent “wonder working power” stepped in with my cape to save the day. 

I helped him finish the song and re-narrated the analogy (of the same lyrics) to represent that we, as Christians, no longer live in shame because the bible says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” From then on, I encouraged him to introduce the song this way: “This is a song about the fact that shame is a state we can choose to live in or move out of, and as Christians, we are taught that we do not have to live in a state of shame.” 

Inevitably he could never remember how to introduce the song this way because this is not what the song was about for him. So, I would interrupt his efforts and introduce the song myself. I’m sure you can see the crystal clear evidence and ugly truth of my arrogance all over that story. A person is where they are on their journey, and when I try to fast forward a person on that journey, I so destructively get in the way of God’s work, and God’s timing. Even when I’ve thought I was staying out of God’s way, I can see it plain as day where I have not, and I can see the painful mess it’s made over and over. We sometimes flippantly use the phrase “playing God” but through this process, I’ve gotten in touch with just how absurdly arrogant this is. When I’ve done this, I might as well have said, “Let me grace you with my holy presence and help you out here.” Ugh - that’s just real, and really embarrassing.  

I have learned such wonderful new ways of breaking free from this destructive pattern and I am so, so grateful for the people the Lord has put on my path to help me with this. Codependency will have you “covering for people” in their process - covering what you think is their ugly truth, but I’ve seen so much more clearly that life is a process, and a beautiful one, and the only ugly truth in that picture is a codependent playing God. The reason I believe this is a perfect example is because I clearly interrupted the beauty of his process here. There are probably thousands of times I’ve done this, nervously trying to fix this and save that, and when I really see codependency for the sin matter that it is, the remorse and regret is enough to knock me over at times. I am getting the help needed and am very relieved to see this pattern and sin matter go from my life.  Over the next few months through a prewritten weekly blog series, I’m going to openly share my personal journey through this. The blog is prewritten so as not to be tempted to edit according to response. Some will scoff, some will disagree with my approach, and some will find deep healing and feel less alone. It is for the latter group that I write and share this blog series. 

Love to all, 

Jill