Dark Circles II

This is what a “Pain Cycle” looks like. You may not know you’re in one. I learned this many years ago, and still, I don’t fully recognize it. If I do recognize it, I stay stubborn and fail to stop and bring solutions to this cycle. I think most of us get lost in these pain cycles within various relationships at times.

I kept saying this to my former husband, “Two people telling each other what the other one is doing wrong is like two dogs chasing each other’s tail. What we need to do is go to our corners and chase our own tails until we catch them!" The tail, of course, represents our part of the pain cycle, which, bottom line, would be sin - pure and simple. To catch the tail would be to see it, confess it, and repent - turn away and get free from doing it. 

Both narcissism and codependency are considered to be on spectrums. Almost all of us suffer from some traits of both at some level. Both are born out of trauma, and often generational trauma. I suffer from a much “higher” level of codependency, and he suffers from a much “higher” level of narcissism. This is what our pain cycle looked like.

We saw these cycles clearly enough to discuss them time and time again, yet we could never seem to break free from these dark circles. We would talk about the “Chicken and the egg” question. It seemed so simple, just don’t lie. The narcissist learns to, and becomes addicted to lying very early in life, while the codependent learns, and becomes addicted to “fixing it!” It is impossible to determine which comes first when these two elements come together in a relationship. 

The “fixer” grants permission to the “liar” with language and attitudes that constantly send signals in the beginning, saying, “It’s alright. I can handle that. I can fix that eventually.” This is where healthy boundaries need to be understood from the very start. We both entered with these lifelong habits, and the truth is, they are not that easy to break. I fully believe the only way to break this cycle is in full surrender to the Lord and the Word of God, through confessing these sinful habits with Godly sorrow and full repentance. Repentance takes the grace of God and a time of continuing to walk free with the Lord’s help. 

The issue of narcissism is more complex than I ever fully realized until I went through this. A mental health expert recently declared narcissism "the number one health crisis in America," while other experts nodded and agreed. If you've read through my summarized journey, you know that the Lord made me realize that the basic pattern and pain cycle of narcissism and codependency is the same pattern that was operating in and destroying my marriage. It is the same pattern and cycle operating in family divisions, and the divisions of our society in America. 

Through counseling, I discovered and finally clearly saw that I have been in relationships with multiple people who suffer from narcissistic behavioral patterns throughout my life, and that I attract them and am attracted to them out of compassion and desire to ease their pain.  They are in deep pain. This compassion, when turned into codependency, becomes destructive, doing further damage within the pain cycle. 

There is one element of narcissistic behavior patterns that I will carefully call bizarre. It is the matter of the person suffering from these patterns losing track of truth and reality. I've witnessed this over and over, not only in my former husband but in others who suffer from these patterns. I have suggested that narcissism, if it hasn't been, should be studied by experts as akin to dementia. Ten for ten, the reaction I've gotten has been a jerk of the head followed by "Whoa! You may be on to something." In this losing track of truth and reality, a self-protective, pain-killing narrative is formed in their mind in a split second, like a lightning strike. 

What makes this even more phenomenal is that within that same split-second "lightning strike," the person suffering this pattern also fully believes this new narrative. This is a true suffering that happens. It plays out in what psychologists call "DARVO" which is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender. The "lightning strike" narrative creates this DARVO response in that split second. The person suffering will vehemently stand on this pain-killing narrative as if it were the absolute truth. 

These narratives can even become more detailed and convoluted over time, even though they are not rooted in the reality and truth of what has happened. We called this "going red." I spent eight years in my last marriage saying, "But that's not what just happened."  Often, we could talk through it, things would calm down, and he would return to reality and clearly recall the truth. Then, the suffering and misery of not understanding why and how these "lightning strike" moments kept happening would set in. 

Experts have, in fact, studied narcissistic traits in context and comparison to dementia, but have concluded that while symptoms are similar, the two are not connected. Many other factors within experiencing this cause me to suspect that this is quite possibly demonic interference. God is awakening my spirit once again to the harsh realities of spiritual warfare. I am aware that we need to balance the realities of the existence of demonic influence, as well as scientific, psychiatric, and neurological aspects. I believe this requires a walk of deep surrender to the constant guidance of the Holy Spirit.