Invisible Squares II

Here’s the deeper “deeply loving” reason I’ve written these two blog series (In Christ Alone and The Road Trip). But first, let’s get back on the road for a minute. I left Burbank and headed for Tucson, Arizona, on my way to the Kerrville Folk Festival in the Hill Country of Texas. I had spent a week in Burbank doing L.A. Film School business and … well, crying out to God! 

In “Dark Circles II” of this blog series, I talked about pain cycles. Let me explain one more thing about our pain cycle. Over the eight-year period we were together, I went for very long stretches of time where I stopped my behaviors within that pain cycle. During those times, his behavioral patterns remained exactly the same. 

You may find this confusing, but the reason this happens is that the "narcissist's" internal triggers are just as strong as their external triggers. In other words, when they lie, even without anyone reacting to it, they internally confront themselves, and then they deny it, quickly building a new narrative. Then they become angry and move into controlling behaviors. In that anger, they attack other people. Then they become irrational and reverse the narrative in their mind. They see themselves as the victim rather than the offender. Everything for a "narcissist" is about reaching for the next "painkiller." Each choice in this tormenting cycle is perceived as the next "painkiller."

The reason this is important to point out and understand is that it caused me to realize that stopping his behavioral patterns was not necessarily a simple matter of repentance or even choice. This is key in context to what I’m about to share. Unfortunately, I did not fully discover this until it was maybe too late. Let me explain. 

I spent over a year talking to counselors and ministers, listening to podcasts, sitting in on world expert Zoom calls, and reading countless books and articles on the subject of “narcissism.” I began saying to people, “If you know, you know. If you don’t know, you don’t ever want to know what I’ve been forced to know and understand about “narcissism.” I was going to keep my new understanding to myself for that very reason. But then, I made a different decision. I decided that not only was I going to write another blog series following up on the first one, but I was going to step up and become a spokesperson of sorts on behalf of those who suffer from being stuck in narcissistic behavioral patterns - not for the “victims of narcissistic abuse” but the other side of the coin - the “narcissists.” This is the deeper “deeply loving” reason I am writing all of this, and here is why:

I cannot remain silent about the way experts and our society talk about the people who suffer in this condition, again, not the victims but the narcissists. I’ve become convinced that I am called to speak out about it. It is almost always talked about as if these people are evil, terrible, awful human beings! This approach is understandable, but I think it is critically counterproductive and destructive. I will include a podcast link at the end. You can hear just one example of the typical tone and attitude for yourself. My codependent “fixer” ways were equally counterproductive and destructive, so I’m not judging. It’s just that I have become fervently passionate about bringing a different voice and perspective to this subject. You may initially think, “Well, how codependent can it get?” Hear me out, though. 

I would hear things like, “These people are evil and they will not change! They can not be helped!” or “Don’t let counselors tell you these people can be rehabilitated. It’s not possible. They are evil, and they choose to be evil, and that is that.” If you really dive into the details of this condition, you will understand why this is a typical conclusion or attitude, but I am a follower of the God of miracles, and I just can not land there. Talking about the people who suffer in this way is only keeping them stuck in the torment of the “invisible squares” I talked about in last week’s blog. 

Through counseling, I discovered that, throughout my life, I have been in close relationships with several people who suffer from these narcissistic behavioral patterns. I didn’t fully see this before, but once you see it, you can’t unsee it. I discovered that I attract these precious, tormented people because I want to “fix” their pain cycle, and they desperately want to believe that my “compassion” and “understanding” will fix it because they sincerely want out. Additionally, subconsciously, they’ve learned a survival technique of taking advantage of codependent “compassion” and “understanding.” My former boundaryless, codependent ways are ineffective and actually destructive, and their pain cycle is way too complex for any amount of codependent compassion to fix. 

I’ve witnessed the pattern of ongoing, purely evil and cruel behavior taking place for long periods of time with no empathy and certainly no repentance - that is, until I announce that I have to leave the situation. A strange and very telling thing happens. In the case of just one of these relationships, my “narcissist” friend sat in a chair desperately, sincerely weeping in utter regret, knowing that her behavior patterns called for this boundary and had robbed her of another relationship. They weep because they don't know how to get these behaviors under control. I say this is telling because I’ve seen this exact pattern in multiple relationships so many times that I’ve lost count. This is the point: It convinces me more and more that if they could repent and stop their evil, cruel behaviors, they would. But they don’t because, unlike others, they actually can’t. They are desperately stuck in these behaviors and desperately want out, not unlike someone with dementia. It is not like most people who can relatively easily repent from behavioral patterns if we just stop being pridefully stubborn. It truly seems to be a different kind of battle for them, but not at all hopeless in my opinion.  When you understand the brain science behind the patterns, this becomes clear.  

There are a billion resources for the “victims of narcissistic abuse” out there, but very little on the healing of people who suffer from being stuck in these narcissistic behavioral patterns. It’s too frustrating to work with. I get it, but I now fully realize that I’ve spent 59 years in the environment of these patterns, and I believe I carry insight that should be shared to help in the healing of this massive societal problem. I mentioned in an earlier blog that a leading expert recently stated that narcissism is the number one public health crisis in America. I think it’s time we look at “narcissism” from a different angle and talk about it from a different heart.  

Traveling to Tucson was just the path to get me from L.A. to Kerrville, Texas, but something important happened there. I lived in Tucson in my early twenties and had to make the decision to leave the pain cycle of one of these types of relationships there. This was an important full circle trip for me where God started opening my eyes to fully realizing that I was now completely free from 59 years of living in this environment, one relationship after the other. I was standing on all new ground. When it’s been the only “air you’ve breathed” your entire life, you can not see it for what it is, but once you see it through the help of experts, you can finally get free. It was not an ironic accident that I wound up going through Tucson. It was the hand of God just beginning to explode the reality of this freedom in my life. This freedom began to be nearly unbelievable and beyond overwhelming in the best of ways! I was truly free of this for the first time in my life! What a place to be! 

While I am free to never enter another relationship like this again, my heart still goes out to those who live in the torment of narcissistic behavioral patterns. I believe there are healing solutions for them. In the next and final blog of this series, I’m going to do my best to lay it all on the table. 

Link to just one example of a podcast on narcissism: 

Mel Robbins https://g.co/kgs/mdYVE1G

This is actually one of the most sympathetic podcasts I've listened to. As sympathetic as these two women may sound at times, you will surely pick up on mockery, impatience, frustration, controlling and manipulative advice, and, even more importantly, an attitude of “It's all about me and protecting myself and MY power from these evil ones.” I understand the effort to help the “victims of narcissistic abuse.” I personally think, though, that this needs to be looked at and talked about by removing "myself" completely. Now that I'm free and removed, I believe I can look at and talk about it in this way. I want to stop this typical approach and make it “all about them” and the trap they're in, and from a place of true mercy.