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The Voice of the Mother
- Jill Riley
- May 28
- 11 min read
Updated: May 30
I’m sitting in a fifth floor hotel room with a balcony overlooking hundreds of little families tucked under blue umbrellas propped up in white sand. They’re all on summer vacation—you know, the kind America dreams about, and the kind most of us never got to take when we were young.
Man has the world changed since I was a kid not taking family beach vacations. Sometimes when I sing, I hear my mother’s singing voice inside my own unique tones. I became friends with Jenny Eddy Jennings a few years back. When she sings, I hear the voice of her mother, Jessi Colter.
I happened across a Wynonna Judd reel on social media today. She was openly sharing with Dan Rather about the division between her and her mother, the late Naomi Judd, as well as the division with her sister, Ashley. I feel their pain because I have lived that same pain with the women of my equally traumatized, and therefore dysfunctional family. Women need their mothers, and their sisters, and we learn to accept that sometimes that is just not possible down here in this wicked world. My mother lived at a time when women were starting to realize that being a “sex object” was not complimentary the way it was portrayed, and that in fact, it came at the great cost of emotional erosion. Women were drawing the line with divorce right and left.
This week I’ve been writing about women and their various movements throughout history. Barbie the movie came out on the tail end of the Me Too movement. So much of the script was understandable if one considers this cultural context. But, when I saw this film for the first time, I was in a theater by myself. In one of the final scenes, I started to get choked up because I just couldn’t believe she was about to say to Ken what I thought she was going to say. I couldn’t believe the writers were finally going to put it out there. I literally held my breath for a few seconds. Then, she didn’t say it—at all.
She might as well have said, “You men need to be men, but way over there! And we women, will be women right here.” That is the opposite of how I feel about it. In the film, The Glorias, Ms. Steinem says, "Statistically speaking, home is a more dangerous place for women than the road.” What a sad statement, and while I know this is true for so many women, and used to be true for me for many years, I believe in a different remedy.
I believe enough men and women want, and are willing to work toward, a true middle ground. One of the most powerful things either gender can do is come to deeply appreciate the differences in the male brain and female brain and remain in awe of how they were designed to work in harmony. I saw The Devil Wears Prada 2 the other night. I never saw the first one, but I felt drawn.
(Spoiler alert!) Meryl Streep's character realizes she has completely overlooked and devalued a male cohort. She owns it and flips it! Let’s flip it! Let’s start a new movement! Let’s stop writing men into scripts as total idiots and losers! At times, I wondered why any male took a role after reading the Barbie script. Just wow! Let’s honor men’s strengths way more than we currently do. Let’s straighten out that narrative. If the man is a Harvey Weinstein, don't change a thing about the true narrative, but if the man is Stanley Tucci’s or Patrick Brammall’s character in DWP2, let’s honor, honor, honor them. I really appreciate the screenwriters for doing just that in this film.
Now, back to my mother. Understanding the trauma-based, chronic depression and anxiety, and anything that might have been missing from our relationship, my mother remains my queen. I made a decision a few years ago to honor her to the best of my ability by living a life she would have absolutely rocked had it not been for all the trauma. I believe that among many other things, she would have become a great writer. I don’t speak for her, and she certainly has never agreed with everything I’ve ever said or done, but I do my best to find her wisdom in the memories and let it be carried within the tones of my “voice.” Every generation is called to improve the future by gleaning from the past. Take a minute to be grateful for the women in your life, and let the characteristics you want to carry forward come to the surface. Hold tight to them.
Love to all,
Jill
This Week's Social Posts...
🙋🏻♀️ I AM NOT A FEMINIST
The Glorias
Yesterday, I rewatched the film, The Glorias in preparation for this week’s social media posts and blog. Every woman in America of every age and race should watch this film—for so, so many reasons. First of all, it was directed by Julie Taymor (Lion King - Broadway, Across the Universe). She is one of the most brilliant and effective storytellers of our time.
Second of all, I am not a feminist. I’ve been married and divorced 4 times, well, 5 if you count the fact that I married and divorced my first husband twice, trying to make it work. I am considered an “independent woman” and am often accused of being “domineering.” (see article below for more insight on this.)
If there were ever a time that I might reconsider becoming a feminist, it might be on the back end of my last marriage and divorce. With serious, quiet contemplation over the last few years, not one of these experiences causes me to want to become a feminist—with the right man, more feminine? Yes. But, more feminist? No. I want something very different, and I see it coming on the horizon.
I don’t think there is an American woman alive today that would not agree with at least some of the things that happened, and needed to happen through the women’s movement. But, there are some pivotal points that I can not align with, and they may not be what you expect. So, even if you're not a feminist, the film is worth your time and maybe even reconsideration. I’m talking about it all this week on social media, the blog, the email blast, and the magazine article.
🙋🏼♀️ WHAT WAS I MADE FOR?
I’m on a road trip and just watched the Barbie movie again in my car—on my phone. I tend to hear the script more clearly that way. A few years ago, I was asked to write an op-ed on the film. I turned it down. But now, here I am writing this post.
At L.A. Film School, we are taught to study the plot versus the theme. The plot is this: Barbie, our protagonist, lives in Barbieland, but has to go into the real world. She discovers all of these wild things about being a woman. Ken, who snuck into her Barbie car before she left, discovers all sorts of wild things about being a man. They individually go back and start revolutions one after the other. Then . . . well, I won’t spoil it.
The theme lies in the question. “What was I made for?” The question is delivered to us through a deeply poignant song by Billie Eilish of the same title. It is maybe the best song she has written so far, and maybe the best song her brother has produced so far. It is not just a question for Barbie, it is equally a question for Ken, and I feel my generation is secretly bemoaning inside over this question at this point.
I made a comment recently. I said, “It turns out we do belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.” This is a sentiment known as archaic and chauvinistic. Google it. You’ll see. The woman I said this to emphatically disagreed. What I was explaining was that for as independent and supposedly “domineering” (see article) as I’m accused of being, the most blessed I ever feel on earth is in the kitchen cooking for family. The most meaningful thing in life was, and still is, having my son, despite things stolen from both of us by my trying to “keep up” with standards, so-called norms, and expectations that I now wish I would have said no to.
I don’t have much space to write, so I leave you with three things: 1) I encourage you (male or female, or any perceived thing in between) to go listen to the Billie Eilish song on repeat (link info below). As you listen, ask yourself the question again and again. 2) I would like to compare and connect the opening scene of Barbie (link info below) to a statement made during the women’s movement, which said, “If men could get pregnant, abortion would become a sacrament." In The Glorias, a film about the movement, the implied action between actresses could easily be interpreted as an embracing of that idea. (Additional Note: For me, it's not about you choosing abortion for yourself. That is between you and God, and none of my business. But, there's something deeply painful about the thought of abortion being embraced as a "sacrament" to make some statement against the exploiting, abuse, and suppression from men over the years. This is another terribly counter-productive concept, in my opinion) 3) For centuries, we’ve lived in a world of King Xerxes. The only way I’m going to attempt to “pluralize” Xerxes is to say that his mindset was, and still is, multiplied by a severe case of groupthink gone bad! These men treat women like Xerxes treated Queen Vashti, who, in turn, promptly “threw a finger” so to speak—as she should have. But, there is a pre-fallen Adam generation rising who treat women like a pre-fallen Eve. Find one of those and refuse any other offer, girls. They are out there. My son is one of them. Keep in mind, they are anything but a dim-witted, insecure, supply-seeking Ken doll!
👩🏻🎓 IRON JAWED
Some of the things that women did for the suffrage movement in America, including the hunger strike of 1917, were almost unthinkable. This very necessary movement is effectively depicted in the film, Iron Jawed Angels (2004). What did these women so desperately want to free themselves from? “Oh, I think we all know,” you might think. I personally think we don’t have a clue anymore, and quite frankly, the men of this current age are so confused they literally do not know what to do.
vitriol
/ˈvitrēəl/
cruel, bitter, and/or venomous verbal criticism. Figuratively, it describes spoken or written words that are as harsh and destructive as acid.
Is there any way that we could maintain the freedoms gained by the suffragettes with less vitriol? —like, a lot less? That’s a serious question and I encourage you to sit quietly searching for your own personal answer to it.
Taraji P. Henson starred in Hidden Figures, another film I think every woman of any age or race should see. I was watching her in an interview talking about what all the women of Hollywood were up to these days. She said something that almost made me tear up. It was sooooo close to what I’m looking for in our culture. She said, with that gorgeously sincere, lit-up smile, “But, don’t worry men, we’re going to take care of you too.” At least it had no vitriol.
Like I said, it was close, but I’m looking for partnership, not female dominance throwing men a bone now and then. I guess that’s quite an ironic turn of events since the turn of the twentieth century. The truth is, not much has changed. If you really zoom in and focus, you’ll see that all of these radical movements have still not been able to achieve equality. In too many ways, both genders just got better at lying to and manipulating the other. That thought makes me clench my teeth until my jaw becomes iron because, while I’m hungering for a culture of mutual love and respect—and equal partnership, I’m constantly force fed a narrative that says each gender is the other’s predator.
The Immersive Magazine Article:
Fifth Wave Feminism
I’m not a feminist, so I will probably get shot for this: I think shouting with cleavage is ironic and ridiculously counter-productive to the cause, but let me back up . . .
It’s 1978ish and my keen-on-politics mother is stretched out on a curved chaise lounge, just reupholstered in a rich southwestern tan, brown, and cream pattern. She is sucking on a big red cinnamon sucker because she is trying to quit smoking again. She’s a twice divorced paralegal and mother of five. She says to me, "I am not in support of the ERA initiative." It was surprising although I didn’t really know what the initiative was. Clearly she is not a feminist either. To this day, I’m not entirely sure of what her thoughts were, but I would learn over time that her wisdom was to be trusted.
“AM I A DOMINEERING WOMAN OR IS SOMETHING ELSE AT PLAY HERE?”
I’ve had this conversation with countless women. There’s not a man-hater molecule in the air in any of these discussions. I always land on this conclusion: Something flew in on the wings of ERA that did not serve women well. Of course women should be paid equally for the same skillset, but an entirely destructive side-effect offset this movement.
By the early 80s, I personally saw it with my own two eyes, while I was experiencing men sitting back in their chair with their boots propped up on their huge desk, smoking, face covered with a Penthouse as if to say, "You want equal pay? Well, knock yourself out! You can take care of it all for me then." (Additional note: Equal pay had not and still has not come to fruition.) This was a fatal blow to the model of family in the United States. (Additional note: It was fatal because it shifted an economy to a point that women couldn't afford to stay home with their children anymore, even if they wanted to. It would all but demand that women work, and still, for way less than the job was worth in the majority of cases.)
“One of the most blessed things I do in life is cook for my friends and family. ”
Those of us who graduated and went to work in the mid 80s witnessed our mother’s singing along — loud and proud with K.T. Oslin’s 80s Ladies.
“WE BURNED OUR BRAS AND WE BURNED OUR DINNERS, AND WE BURNED OUR CANDLES AT BOTH ENDS.”
My generation, whose men had watched their mothers “take care of it all” had a crisis on our hands. In a sense, our men had been decommissioned in it all. I can’t tell you how many wives have said this to me — again, with no hate in their heart, only a desperate desire to understand and remedy the issue. And before I say this, I admit I am speaking in wide generalities here and it hurts my heart to write this because I know great men who do not fully realize this, but I believe it might be helpful.
In the truly loving conversations with these women who are battling cortisol overload, brain fog, chronic fatigue, and are completely burned out at this point, each one comes to this statement,
“IF I NEED MY HUSBAND TO DO SOMETHING THAT HE KNOWS HE SHOULD DO, IT WON’T HAPPEN UNTIL I SHOUT HIM OUT OF HIS CHAIR! BUT THEN, HE TELLS ME THAT I AM A DOMINEERING WOMAN.”
At the same time, we’re all noticing something else. So, here's the good news. As my generation of both men and women are aging, slowing down, and reflecting on life, we are more and more taking care of ourselves and each other with soft servant hearts. We also see a beautiful transformation in the generations behind us and it is truly filling the culture with hope.
I read an article called “Fourth Wave Feminism” recently, and it sparked the idea to write about this new hope. I say, "Fifth Wave Feminism" is servanthood, pure femininity, and family-first ideals.
The Lord looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do. Psalms 33:13-15 NLT
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