Open Heart Surgery

Dear friends and family - and I mean that. You are very dear to me. I’m going to open up and be honest, transparent, and vulnerable in this new blog series, even more than usual. I am in an ongoing open heart surgery by the hand of God. I’ve been through many dark and difficult things, but after pondering what I’m about to say for many long months, I can fairly and honestly say that I have never endured anything as painful as what I’ve gone through in the last year. Divorce is painful. Everyone knows that, but that is not what I’m referring to. It has taken years for God to unravel it, to unravel me. So it will take a while for me to properly articulate and share it with others. While there are so many other things I would rather do with my time and life right now, I have surrendered to the belief that it is important to write about it. I have become convinced that it is important because it is a matter that we are enduring both on the micro level (family and friends) and the macro level (national and global.) I would even go as far as to say that I believe it is possibly a matter of end-times understanding. When speaking about this, I’ve said, “If you know, you know. If you don't, you don’t ever want to have to come to know what I’ve learned and had to face in the past year.” Even so, I have “discerned and decided” that it is too important to stay shut-mouthed about. However, I plan to bring a very different perspective, tone, emotion, and belief system to the subject. 

A year ago, I discovered that I had been accused of narcissism. Through hours of therapy and ministry counseling, I found that this accusation was misguided and uneducated, even understandably so. I discovered that what I actually am is codependent, which is a counterpart to narcissism. I’ve known that I suffer from codependency, but I had my eyes open to it on a new level. The interesting thing about codependency is that some who suffer from it almost obsessively dig for proof that a matter  is their fault. Someone like me who suffers from codependency does this because if they can prove it is their own fault, they can control that. I have done this my whole life. If it is someone else's fault, I have absolutely no control over it. When someone like me suffers extreme abuse like childhood sexual abuse and adolescent rape, as I did, we develop a need to believe that we have control over those things. So, in this codependent habit, I took on the accusation of narcissism and immediately turned and took a deep, almost obsessive dive to understand “my narcissism.” What I found out was shocking, even devastating. The loss of the relationship, the loss of the marriage, and the painful divorce paled in comparison to the deep pain of this discovery. This discovery is what I will now spend some time writing and talking about. 

Many people claim that the word narcissism is overused in our day and culture. I would have totally agreed with that a year ago, but I thought I understood what narcissism was. Little - so very little did I know. One mental health expert recently said this as another expert agreed, “I believe narcissism is our current national health crisis.” I couldn’t agree more, and because I believe this, I believe the Lord is opening our eyes to recognize it for what it actually is. This is why it is being thought of as overused. God is exposing it for our benefit. He is teaching us ways to deal with it on the micro level and the macro level. If you are open to learning more, but from a different perspective from what you will typically hear “out there,” I encourage you to journey this with me through blogs, podcasts, and social posts. 

Love to all, 

Jill